Helping Your Child With ADHD Develop Emotional Regulation

Emotion Regulation is the ability of children to change or modulate the experience and expression of their emotions.  It is a foundational skill that will allow the child to manage his or her thoughts and behaviors even in the presence of intense emotional stimuli.  Although children are frequently adapting to the experience of both positive and negative emotions, adults tend to notice difficulties in emotional regulation in situations where the child is experiencing intense negative emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, fear, etc.)  Children encounter many situations that require them to regulate their negative emotions at home and in the classroom setting.  These may include following directions; sharing; waiting their turn; preserving in tasks that are difficult or boring; problem solving; dealing with interpersonal conflict; and performing tasks they do not want to do. 
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Children who can appropriately express and modulate intense emotions tend to have higher rates of personal success, academic success, and experience more positive social relationships.  These children are able to control the expression of their emotions, which allows them to make friends, to take turns, to listen to others, and to recognize the emotional experiences and perspectives of others.  Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may have difficulty understanding and regulating their emotions.  Additionally, they may experience more intense emotions, especially in response to work that is boring, interpersonal conflict, or to work that is frustrating.  These deficits may lead the child to engage in tantrum behavior that negatively impacts the family’s functioning, the child’s school performance, and the child’s social success.  In order to help children overcome these deficits, it is essential that the adults in the child’s environment view emotional regulation as a skill set that can be improved.  This means approaching difficult emotional situations as an opportunity for growth, and modeling appropriate emotional regulation during these situations.
 
What can we do to help our children to regulate their emotions?
 
1. Modeling Emotional Regulation – Children are always watching more than they are listening, and therefore they are likely to copy how they see their adult caregivers responding to emotional stimuli.  Caregivers should model the responses that they would like to see when managing difficult situations in their own lives.  Additionally, they should talk the child through their own emotional regulation process.  An example of this is, “I am feeling really stressed because I need to finish this paper for work tonight.  I am managing my stress through creating a quiet work environment, communicating with the members of my family, and taking a walk to calm down before beginning.”  Frequently, children only see the end result of adult emotional regulation (i.e., a calm adult), and assume that the adults around them are not actually experiencing intense emotions.
 
2. Validating the Emotions, not the Behavior –Parents who are warm, responsive and accepting can help children with developing the right emotion regulation strategies.  It is important to realize that even if your child’s emotions are too intense for the situation, the child is still experiencing those emotions and has very little control of the intensity of their emotions.  Parents who validate, accept, and empathize with children’s negative emotions, allow the child to explore ways to regulate their emotions without feeling guilty or ashamed of the intensity of those emotions.  This allows for opportunities for open dialogue with the child.  However, parents should be careful not to validate the child’s maladaptive responses to their emotions.  An example of this is, “I understand how frustrating it has been for you to work on those math problems for the past hour; however, when you tear up your paper it makes it more difficult for me to help you and more likely that I will become angry.  Can we problem solve together about how to help you to calm down so that you can finish your homework and get back to having fun?”
 
3. Creating a Positive Climate Within the Family – Parents who create nurturing, warm and respectful relationships between family members are also creating an ideal environment for their children to develop positive emotional interactions. Positive climates are created when caregivers use respectful language towards all family members; acknowledge each others’ successes, and display affection towards each other.
 
4. Focusing on a Healthy Lifestyle – Teaching emotion regulation is hard when a child is hungry, is not eating healthy foods, has not exercised, or has not had an appropriate amount of sleep.  Children with ADHD may struggle more than other children to develop and maintain adequate routines that meet their basic needs.  It is important for the caregivers to monitor and help the child to regulate their diet, exercise, and sleep.
 
5, Reading and Listening –When reading with your children, or watching TV shows talk to them about the emotions that the characters are experiencing, and how the characters are handling these emotions.   It’s important to note that you don’t need to use “special” TV shows or books to discuss emotions.   Children can relate to characters in books and TV shows; and may be more receptive and less defense to understanding emotions based on a character in a book.
 
6. Focus on Problem Solving-  Discuss with your children about how the “emotional mind” is not a good problem solver, and make decisions too quickly that have bad results.  Make sure that your children understand that the first step to solving a problem is to calm down so that the “rational mind,” can help them to find the best solution to solve their problem.  Help them to frame each tantrum as problem that needs to be solved.